Rocky's Interview 3/14/14

Good morning! It's beginning to look a lot like spring at our campaign headquarters. We're lucky enough to catch Rocky before his noontime nap for a quick Q&A.

Q: Hi there, Rocky.

A: Mrow? Human, let me outside.

Q: For the billionth time, no. It's time for your interview anyways.

A: (grumble)... I mean, hello America! I am at your service. Please ask your questions.

Q: Mr. Rocky, will you be continuing to add to your drug policy platform?

A: Yes! Other things must be addressed. We will be transitioning jobs to accommodate our new approach to how we handle drugs. Law enforcement will of course still exist, and will still get federal grants. Jobs will be opening in education, counseling, and treatment for those in law enforcement who are genuinely worried about drug use.

Q: Please elaborate on your stance that children need an honest drug education.

A: We will be treating drug users like individuals, and this starts with educating our children. We will do this without the "if you do make this mistake we will lock you up" mentality. That way we can just be honest without having an agenda. Kids see through agendas, you know. They are also good at hiding things when they fear punishment. How about we give it to them straight? An honest, authoritative approach is best; the "don't do it or else" agenda didn't work. Purr?

Q: To what extent do you believe in drug testing?

A: The industry should be a niche industry instead of a lobbying powerhouse. Their consultants say drug testing is vastly under-utilized. What a surprise, if you catch my catlike sarcasm. By the way, I'd like to report that studies show drug testing kids results in spikes of harder drug use. Some may avoid human catnip but damage their bodies worse with other drugs. Drug testing welfare getters is costly and only 2% fail them. Firing people for off-the-job catnip use in most industries is just plain counterproductive. What really makes my hair stand on end is how they use these tests to deny legal medical and recreational catnip users a chance at employment.

Drug testing is what it is because of human catnip hysteria, so legalizing the plant will bring this rogue industry back in line. A case can be made for some industries to continue to drug test for catnip.

Q: Wow, that was a mouthful. Do you worry that your stance on drugs and guns would hurt your chances with certain political groups?

A: I'm not worried. I believe in what I say. I don't flip-flop like the greasy hair guy you elephants loved so much two years ago. I believe in the American Constitution. Part of that document outlines the right to bear arms, and the right to be free from unreasonable search and seizure. It also says in the Tenth Amendment that powers not delegated by the Constitution to the Federal government shall be delegated to the states. I believe that the Constitution has been interpreted terribly by manipulating lawyers, judges, and politicians of recent times.

If there's something wrong, we fix it. I'm not saying drug use is right or wrong here, I'm saying our approach is horribly wrong. I'm not saying that gun-related violence doesn't exist, but we need to start holding individuals accountable for their actions instead of ramming more paranoid, counter-productive, stupid nanny state gun restrictions through Congress. What kind of insanity is it to give more of an edge to thugs and cartels? That's exactly what happens when you make it harder for good people to own guns.

This is not a country where some tyrant can come in and tell the humans to get in line. American mousies are easily fooled into voting for tyrants. In time I will have a full Politics 101 course for the mousies, helping them to be American humans again.

Q: You've got a lot to say, Rocky. We won't be keeping you much longer. We'd like to ask you, where do you fall in the political spectrum? Are you "conservative"? "Liberal" "Libertarian"?

A: Silly human. I'm a real American. Those words you mentioned are labels that nowadays are used to divide us even more. I'm not a "Conservative", although I am sure more conservative than they are. I'm not a "Liberal", although I'm sure some confused elephants will accuse me of being one. I'm definitely more pro-war and pro-defense than "Libertarians". I do not support any political party. I may like some of what Jared Polis or Rand Paul stand for, but I do not endorse them. They are free to endorse me, of course.

Q: Thank you for your time, Rocky. You can take your nap now.

A: Door closed. Let me outside.

Q: No.